How to Help your Loved Ones When They're In Pain

When I was very young, my mother nearly lost her life in a car accident rendering her left leg limited in ability and leaving her in chronic pain due to a rod that was placed into her femur and hip. Rather than prescribing intensive physical therapy, doctors wrote prescriptions for pain medication and recommended rest after surgery. This was the beginning of a long, slow downward spiral in my mother’s health to her inevitable passing at the age of 68.

Her traumatic accident was the catalyst for me to become a helper and led me down the path of a degree in health and wellness. It is difficult seeing those you love suffer in pain, and not know what to do other than wait to see what the next appointment with the doctor will produce. Regardless of the recommendations and expert advice I attempted to provide, she was reluctant to be proactive and not ready to put the work into her own health and wellness.

In my experiences teaching for the American Council on Exercise, I’ve heard similar stories from other health and fitness professionals all over the country. I often also observe the same challenges of fitness professionals having difficulty with assisting loved ones with healthy behavior changes. From my experience, when you offer your advice without being asked, it will not help. When it is asked for, rather than making quick prescriptions of what exercises to do to solve XYZ problem, ask three simple questions.

1. Why do you think ____________ hurts when you do _____________?

This puts some of the ownership in the person’s pain or tightness. They will typically say they don’t do enough stretching, activity or they do too much of something else. Be positive when they start to self-deprecate. Definitely avoid using words like Don’t, Never, Avoid. These words overshadow positive words, and people will immediately follow the words above. Things like, “Don’t eat carbs” turns into “Eat carbs”.

2. When did ______________ start to bother you when you _______________?

This provokes thought behind changes in habits or patterns of movement and/or eating before or when the issue began. This will often lead into a conversation about simple changes in posture or habits behind eating . This will keep people more mindful of when doing certain movements and eating making sure to do it in a balanced, mindful way.

3. What is a realistic amount of time you feel you can commit daily to self-care for __________?

Sometimes they need a little example. I use the analogy of brushing your teeth. I’ll ask them how many times per day or week they brush their teeth and floss. Ask them why that is important to do it that often and then transition back to the self-care for their particular limitation or injury. They’ll often say something like 15 to 30 minutes. My response is very positive but followed-up with asking them how confident they are on a 1-10 scale that they’ll do it. If they respond with anything less than a confidence of 8 out of 10, I ask them to scale the duration down otherwise they may have all the intentions in the world but if they are not consistent, change won’t happen.

Once I have asked those questions, then I will take a look at a couple of movements through a Modified Functional Movement Screen (M-FMS) to avoid making assumptions on what the true culprit of their pain or limitation. Upon completion of the screen, I will provide them with only 2-3 movements to do on a daily basis. That improves compliance because it doesn’t take a long time, their typically simple in nature and doesn’t require them to go to the gym. The frequency of daily movement habits will give way to improved self-efficacy and the desire to want to do more because they are feeling better!

Try this behavior change out with you clients and loved ones or for yourself and let me know how it goes. Be well.